Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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