I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
