I puked a lego.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
