dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Where is the hickey?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
