i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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