you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I deserve this hangover.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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