The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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