my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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