and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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