On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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