i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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