we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
