well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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