Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
