Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
