If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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