I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
