I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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