Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
