I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
