I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
where does the pee come out of this thing
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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