My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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