Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
