i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
