At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
