How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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