How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
