when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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