I'd wear matching sweaters with you
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
