i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
