My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
