I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize