so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
