That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
