I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
