I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
