this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
