Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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