Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
