Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
