if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
