Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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