how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
