I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
