I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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