I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
