I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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