I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize