Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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