Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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