imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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