Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
