dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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