so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
