areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
