he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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