i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
