i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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