Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
