Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
