The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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