I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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