theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
